For the past couple of weeks I've been waking up at 3:30 AM, obsessing about something ridiculous that I can't change, and then promptly falling back asleep at 5:00 AM.
Since it's become part of my daily routine I decided to make it a productive time to think instead of watching the clock trying to fall back asleep.
With less than 12 weeks until the arrival of baby #7, I've been thinking a lot about motherhood and what it means to be a good mother.
I have been blissfully enjoying the absence of Arty (my rheumatoid arthritis not-so-friend) during this pregnancy and honestly, I cannot imagine it ever returning. I have felt so good!
It makes me want to be pregnant forever.
Alas, as I lay in bed thinking about it, I realized that chances are it will return, and what then?
Can I be a good mother?
Pain changes people. Pain makes people cranky.
I recently read a story of a woman who was dying of cancer. She made the decision that she wanted her children to remember her last years with her as happy years. She smiled through the pain. She smiled through the treatments and medications.
That has to be me.
There are good mothers who are deaf, in wheelchairs, without limbs, and dying. Surely I can still be a good mother with joints on fire and limited mobility.
It's my choice!
"Attitude is caught . . . not taught."
What does it mean to be a good mother?
My children love it when I laugh, when I praise them, or when I hug them to me. They love to pile around me under a blanket when we watch a movie. They love to show me their tricks, make things for me, and see me show off their project in frames on my wall or on the refrigerator.
They love to see me happy.
They want my time.
Arty will never take away my time. I still have the same 24 hours in a day to give to my husband and my children as I did before the disease came.
I believe the key to being a good mother is to use that time wisely.
I want to be a good mother.