Sunday, October 30, 2011

I'm Free!

It always amazes me how quickly I lose my mind once my babies are born.

I have felt absolutely fantastic for three weeks and the last day my wonderful mother was here I could feel the anger and irritation starting. Within one to two days I felt like I was failing. Like there was no way I could do it and I was ruining life for everyone around me.

Before the birth of our son I had told several people my plan to ward off the almost inevitable Postpartum Depression that follows delivery. Of course, I hoped it wouldn't come, but I was realistic since it has reared its ugly head four out of six times.

Thankfully, these same wonderful people I told my plan to immediately pounced on me the moment I began slipping, reminding me of my master plan. 

Meals cooked and frozen for the crazy days. Done.
Nurse 3-4 weeks and wean Peanut.
Take antidepressants, if necessary.

The problem is, my crazy brain wouldn't agree with the master plan.

I wanted to nurse. I didn't have bottles. I didn't have formula. I hate formula poops. I hate formula burps in my face. I hate washing bottles. Only good mothers nurse their babies. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

I couldn't think clearly and I was crashing hard and fast.

This is the third time a dear friend of mine has seen me go through this first hand and she can tell by my voice when I start down that slippery slide. She reminded me of my plan, bossed me around, and I obeyed. I bought the bottles & formula that day.

My little peanut is now taking a bottle and 24 hours later I can't believe the thoughts I was having. 

It really is a miracle. 

I am free from my own mind and I am not ashamed!