Saturday, October 8, 2011

Pause & Play ~ Part III

My midwife returned to the room to find me sitting on the bed ~ all done.

She was inspired to ask me these specific words:

"Jill, are you afraid of something?"

The flood gates opened as I began to bawl like a little girl.

Yes, I was afraid! The delivery hurts and I know what I'm in for. I've been fearing the birth my entire pregnancy and knew the pain I would have to endure all too keenly.

Yes, I was afraid! For months I've been afraid that he wouldn't take his first breath. I hadn't expressed my fear to anyone but didn't want to go through all of this just to hold a precious, lifeless body.

Yes, I was afraid! So much hinged on this birth. I am terrified that the Rheumatoid Arthritis will return and I will be in too much pain to cuddle my sweet baby boy.

Yes, I was afraid! I don't want to return to the debilitating, terrifying place called post-partum depression. I know who I am! I don't want to lose that knowledge to uncontrollable thoughts of worthlessness and hopelessness where I can't see the forest for the trees and feel that everyone else would be better off without me. I don't want to go back there!

As all of these emotions came flooding out of my mouth I could see the loving, tender look on Stern's face as he took me in his arms. My midwife told me that the decision has already been made by Someone whether he would take his first breath but I still have to do what needs to be done right now. She then left me time to be with my loving husband.

This was a moment that I cannot find words to describe here that happens between a husband and wife. There is power that comes from knowing our family is eternally bound ~ not because it feels right, but because it has been sealed by the proper authority in the Temple. I knew I was loved by my Father in Heaven and He would not leave me in my time of need.

I stood, asked Stern to turn on my Mercy River CD, and said "I can do hard things."

The fear was gone ~ replaced by peace and courage that I was not alone. Come what may, I could do what was required of me.